Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Very Cherry

The kid I was hooking up went with all his brothers and little pledges to Philly for the day and they clearly had to stop at Condom Kingdom on South Street. For those not familiar with Condom Kingdom it’s a sex store in Philly that sells all different types of sex accessories, condoms, lube, toys, etc. “Kevin” texted me saying he was there and I told him I wanted to try some new lubes. We hung out later that weekend and he probably had 20 different types of the samples. We tried a flavored one to spice up the oral.  I am not one of these girls that thinks going down on boys is gross and won’t ever do it. I think its fun and a good part of a satisfying sex life. So he hands me a packet telling me its fruit punch. So whatever, I put it on it tastes pretty good, it’s different.             
After that’s done we start hooking up again. I start to feel really…..weird. My eyes start watering, my face gets itchy and my throat starts REALLY itching. I tell “Kevin” how I am feeling and he looks at me and says my lips have become seriously “dsl’s” and they have become like twice the size. I start freaking out.
 Now let me mention something here, I am extremely allergic to cherry flavoring. I can handle a real cherry but cherry flavoring does not do well with my throat, eyes or skin. I cannot handle cherry lollipops, cherry medicine even cherry lip balm swells my lips.  I always keep Benadryl on me and there is usually an epi-pen in my car. I check the packet that “Kevin” swore he thought was fruit punch when in reality it was cherry punch.  No I am not mad at “Kevin” because we don’t really talk about things like allergies and things of personal nature.  However, I would have liked to be informed of what I was ingesting.
Back to the story. I start freaking out and obviously call my Mom. I clearly do not tell my mom the real reason I just say I had some cherry drink at a party and was starting to feel sick. She said it was probably too late for Benadryl and that I had to use my epi pen.  Two things, I FUCKING HATE NEEDLES, I am a fucking grown adult and I still make my mom come to the doctors with me because I pass out, I pass out during x-rays, I am a serious baby, secondly I have never used my epi pen even though I know how to use it. I make “Kevin” run out to my car and get it.  He brings it in and hands it to me. I realize that there is no fucking way I am doing this to myself. I tell Kevin he either has to do it or my throat will legitimately closed. He stabs my thigh and I clearly pass out.  I come too five minutes later.  I can feel my body feeling a little more normal and take a Benadryl just to help me feel a little better.  I am not one to stay at Kevin’s but no way was I driving home after this disastrous night. I slept there and we woke up and laughed about it in the morning. Needless to say I will be issuing a medical history to all of my slam pieces just to make nothing like this ever happens again.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Slam Pieces

It's a Friday night, and here I am.... blogging. No it's not because I didn't have some raging house party, or a wonderful fratastic date party, or a wild college town bar to go too. Because I had all of those options. I'm just stuck babysitting.... womp womp womp. (Hey, fabulous Laxtitutes have responsibilities too!) I decided I'm going to use this time wisely and start working on this whole blog nonsense since I know nothing about it. I'm a physical therapy major who can't write for shit and who doesn't have a creative bone in my body so... bear with me people. I just have a question, or I guess a thought, that I'd like to share with everyone and get some feedback. It's about slam pieces, fuck buddys, friends with benefits, whatever you'd like to call them. I have one. We were hooking up all last school year and then didn't see each other all summer. I'd be lying if I said I didn't start to crush on him, because I did. I eventually got over it though. But anyways, we didn't talk all summer and once the school year started again we got back in touch (obvi hooking up the first weekend of school, but like.. make out hooking up, not boning.) We hooked up again a few weeks later. I've never been a big sexter. Actually... I had never done it before now. But I wanted sex so I just said fuck it and texted him one night that simple word... "Sex?" he responded with "Where are you!?" (like oh... now you're interested) I told him but it just didn't happen. He blew me off. Over the next week I texted him two more times requesting for his stupid ass to get over to my apartment and fuck me. But two more times, he blew me off. Finally last night, I decided it would be the last time I'd throw myself at him because 1. we have all the same friends and see eachother all the time so I didn't want to look like a complete idiot and 2. because I am SO not desperate and 3. I get what I want. I texted him, "come. over. later." he responded with "I'll be there". BOOM, 2:30 AM rolls around and a drunk Chris* (name changed) rolls into my apartment. We have sex. It's great. I make him leave. His turn to work for it now, right? I mean HELLO... I texted him 4 times total and got rejected 3 out of those 4 times. Is it possible that even if a girl is offering sex... a guy just might not be interested? Or was he just too stupid to realize what was going on? It's not like I'm looking to get wifed up or anything.... I just wanted sex. Is it appropriate to make guidelines with slam pieces? Like, it shouldn't be all about when HE needs it, it should be about when I want it too right?? An equal give and take relationship of fucking. Someone needs to explain that concept to some dudes.

Bros can be such bros sometimes. I love them. But they can be really fucking annoying.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Urination Nation

Like I said earlier I really can not stand relationships but I do have friendly relationships with all the boys in my life.  I still talk and occasionally hangout with the boy I lost my virginity too, he obviously was a total all state lax bro.We have really good chemistry and we literally grew up together we have known each other since we were 5 we went to the same grade school and high school.  One night I was visiting the school he went to with some of my friends and he happened to be at the same party I was at.  We started talking and catching up and well clearly we both knew we would end up hooking up just because of our past history whenever were out and we see each other shit goes down and by shit I mean my mouth to his penis. 
He tells me that I can come back to his apartment and just sleep there. I never choose sex over friends but I wanted it, bad. So I gathered the girls and made sure it was okay I left and told them that we can join back up in the AM.  Now the sex was cool and great whatever but that is not the point of this story.  
We pass out as soon as we finish. Three hours later I wake up with a warm sensation on me.  This bro is literally peeing on my side of the bed. Like he got out of bed stood up and as if my side of the bed was the toilet PISSED ALL OVER ME.  ALLLLL over his bedding, my clothes, his clothes, it went into his storage bins, literally everywhere.  Now I yell at him at this point and time but he does not even my existence.  We wake up in the morning and he gets up looks around and goes what happened when we went to sleep? I was like are you fucking serious? You do not remember pissing out 5 million gallons of jungle juice?  He had no recollection...at all. He ended up feeling really bad and washed my clothes which me which was a huge but nice surprise.  However, whenever I visit that school and I introduce myself they say "oh you're the girl (insert bro's name here) peed all over".  Awesome.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Giving The Cold Shoulder.....or Cold Vagina

I’ve had this slam piece for about 4 years. I don’t do LTR’s (long term relationships) but I do love long term slam pieces. He was always an adventurous and spontaneous one, not saying that I’m complaining about that because I’m all for some kinky things. But sometimes, you need to give a girl a little warning before you just throw something at her…. Or in her.

Typical Wednesday afternoon, I’m at the mall with my best friend shopping, gossiping, girl stuff ect. I get a text from Kevin, (names are changed for confidentially… and my own safety) saying “lets chill.” It’s never a “hey whats up!” or “hey what are you doing!?” it’s always something simple and to the point… “let’s chill” is code for “lets fuck.” So obviously I leave the mall and arrive at Kevins 15 minutes later. Things are going there usual route, a little this, a little that, little oral, little manual. He then promptly gets out of bed and says I’ll be right back. After returning a few minutes later I feel something cold…… In my vagina. I don’t even know what to say or what to think so I obviously I just go with the flow. There was no warning, no “hey wanna try this!?” I would of even been okay with him saying something cheesy like “things were getting to hot we have to cool down.” No. Just boom. Ice in the vagina. Now, I’m a firm believer in expanding my sex life and trying new things, and I’m sure ice could be incorporated into ones sex life properly, whether it’s rubbing on the body or even rubbing on the erogenous zones. Maybe even just one ice cube in the vagina I could deal with. But there was honestly enough ice to keep a 6 pack cold. It was painful…. So painful. Think about it, something cold, hard, and square shaped being shoved into your body. It was not a fun experience. Shoving ice into a girls vagina without even asking permission is just plain rude. Clearly before I was even dressed I texted Laxtitute #2 telling her ice was currently melting out of me she didn’t understand so it was then followed up by a call explaining that my vagina was currently the temperature of Antarctica.

So I guess the point of the story brings me to one question…. What is the appropriate way to go about using ice in your sex life?